Returning to Joy | Pastor Jacob Sheriff

Message Date: May 29, 2024
Bible

Introduction

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” – John 15:9-11 (ESV)

Joy is the greatest fuel for the brain, and it is a relational byproduct, it’s the result of being connected with someone who is happy to be with you and share in the moment. Joy is the greatest fuel for life, work, purpose, and character transformation.

“God designed our brains to run on joy like a car runs on fuel.”ᶦ

Our brains desire joy more than anything. Our brains look specifically in the face of another person to find joy, and this fills our emotional gas tank. God designed our brains to seek joy through the eyes and facial expressions, through being with people who are glad to be with us.

“When we see the sparkle in someone’s eyes, their face lights up with a smile when they see us. We feel joy. From the moment we are born, joy shapes the chemistry, structure and growth of our brain. Joy lays the foundation for how well we will handle relationships, emotions, pain and pleasure throughout our lifetime…Expressing our joyful identity creates space for others to belong. Joy gives us the freedom to live without masks because, in spite of our weaknesses, we know we are loved.”ᶦᶦ – Jim Wilder

Joy helps us regulate our emotions and endure suffering. Joy does not remove our pain, but it gives us strength to endure (Hebrews 12:2). Joy is the foundation for a secure bond (attachment love) with God. The goal in our relationship with God is to nurture the attachment love until there is no fear (1 John 4:18).

“Joy does not exist outside of relationship.”ᶦᶦᶦ

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” – John 15:9-11 (ESV)

Six Negative Emotions

In the course of life, we experience a loss of joy regularly. Experiencing negative emotions is not a sin. These negative emotions are hardwired into our brains. Having them is not a sin, but a normal part of the human experience. What is key about them is that when we experience them, we must know what to do with them without being controlled by them.

Six Negative Emotions — [ SADSAD ] — Sadness, Anxiety, Despair, Shame, Anger, Disgust

6 Negative Emotions: SADSADᶦᵛ

    •  SADNESS. “I have lost something that brought me joy.”
    •  ANXIETY. “I fear not being able to find joy as I look at the future.”
    •  DESPAIR. “I feel like joy is impossible.”
    •  SHAME. “I feel like hiding because I can tell I don’t bring you joy.”
    •  ANGER. “I want something to stop now because it is robbing me of joy and causing pain.”
    •  DISGUST. “I feel like recoiling from a person or situation.”

Key Vulnerable Times:

    • Hungry
    • Angry
    • Lonely
    • Tired

Again, having them is not a sin, but a normal part of the human experience. There are legitimate things that happen to us and these are often the natural response we feel emotionally. But the key is that when we experience them, we know how to have them without being controlled by them.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, – 2 Corinthians 10:3–5 (ESV)

Much of spiritual warfare happens between our ears. What goes on in our mind when we are in the midst of having these negative emotions? Having the emotions is normal, but when we are having them, what do we do with them? And how do we act when we have them?

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. – Romans 8:5–6 (ESV)

“Both human and spiritual maturity are demonstrated in having feelings, desires, and emotions under the guidance and control of what is good. Persons who are not spiritually mature are under the guidance and control of feelings, desires, and emotions.”ᵛ – Jim Wilder

Returning to Joy

Because joy is the foundation of a stable mind and joy is relational, we must learn how to return to joy from upsetting and negative emotions. This requires discipline and practice. To be mature, joy-filled people, we have to learn how to experience negative emotions, yet without being controlled by them, find our way back to joy. This begins with returning to joy in our relationship with God first.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. – Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

We engage in spiritual disciplines to practice our awareness of God’s presence and our intimacy with Him. When we have a solid foundation of intimacy with Him, we can experience the negative emotions, yet know how to remain in communion with Him, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us back to joy.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. – Romans 14:17 (ESV)

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – John 14:27 (ESV)

Beyond our relationship with God and the spiritual disciplines that deepen our intimacy with Him, enabling us to return to joy with Him, we also have to develop the necessary disciplines that enable us to return to joy with each other.

“The skill of ‘returning to joy’ must be practiced with each of the six negative emotions individually. Without learning to return to joy, everyone is dangerous when they are upset.”ᵛᶦ – Jim Wilder, et.al.

Returning to joy is critical to healthy and mature relationships. There is very little emotional maturity without the ability to return to joy from upsetting emotions. But returning to joy is easily mistaken with things that just appease the situation or neglect the upsetting emotions.

People who disconnect emotionally look as though they are handling things relatively well so it is easy to mistake disengaging for return to joy. Taking care of other people and smiling is also not the same as returning to joy from distress. Trying to appear happy is not the same as returning to joy. Pressing other people to help us feel better is not returning to joy. Fear of rocking the boat to make sure no one gets mad is not returning to joy.

Though these and many other things are not returning to joy, we want to develop the skill and the discipline of really returning to joy, not putting up masks or avoiding pain or worse, suppressing the negative emotions.

VCR: Validate, Comfort, Repattern

VCR: Validate, Comfort, Repattern

To validate an emotion does mean that you agree with it. It means you are able to 1. Name the emotion, 2. recognize where it originated, and 3. Understand the level of intensity. Validation (not to be confused with agreement or condoning negative behavior) makes people feel understood, and when people feel understood, they tend to be more open to whatever explanation or correction you may have to offer.

VCR: Validate, Comfort, Repattern

The primary way we comfort ourselves and others is by providing a different perspective or alternative. The temptation is to skip validation and go straight to this step. Most of us want to just fix the problem and make the emotions go away. But this makes the problems bigger than the relationship.

VCR: Validate, Comfort, Repattern

Repatterning takes place when validating and comforting becomes the new pattern that guides our responses to painful or upsetting emotions. If we don’t learn to quiet ourselves through validation and comfort, our upset emotions will tend to grow as we fixate on our problems. If we are able to establish a habit of validating and comforting, a new pattern will develop that helps us return to joy quickly.

A healthy church community will meet others where they are emotionally by validating them, find ways to help them change their perspective or fix their problems through comforting, and call out what is best in them.

Conclusion

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” – John 15:9-11 (ESV) 

[i] Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder, The Other Half of the Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2020), 54

[ii] E. James Wilder, Edward M. Khouri, Chris M. Coursey, Shelia D. Sutton, Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone, (Life Model Works, 2021), pg. 35

[iii] Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder, The Other Half of the Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2020), 56

[iv] Warner, Marcus; Coursey, Chris M.; The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages: How 15 Minutes a Day Will Help You Stay in Love (p. 75-78). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

[v] Jim Wilder, Renovated: God, Dallas Willard & the Church that Transforms (NavPress and Tyndall House Publishers, 2020), pg. 50

[vi] Jim Wilder, Edward Khouri, Chris Coursey, Shelia Sutton, Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone, pg. 186

Bonus: God’s Shining Face

“Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, Thus you shall bless the people of Israel: you shall say to them, The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:23-26 (ESV)

Verses 25-26: When God “shines” his face, he looks on his people for good. The “shining forth” and “lifting up” of Yahweh’s face are more closely defined by His positive presence issuing grace and peace. Yahweh’s face[i] shining upon his people, by which his good pleasure and good acts will be exerted on behalf of his precious possession, is enhanced by the invoking of his grace. Yahweh’s lifting of his face is an expression referring “to an appearance of the countenance expressive of pleasure and affection, functionally equivalent to ‘smile.’”[ii] Yahweh’s face “smiling” upon His people bestows to them His “shalom,” which means fullness of life and wholeness in all areas of life: material, familial, societal, and religious.[iii]

 

2 Corinthians 4:6 (ESV) For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

[i] Cross-reference with Psalm 27:7-8 and 67:1-7 and Exodus 33:12-20. Connected to Jesus, see John 1:9-18.

[ii] Cole, R. D. (2000). Numbers (Vol. 3B, p. 131). Broadman & Holman Publishers. Quoted from M. I. Gruber, “The Many Faces of nasaʾ panim, ‘lift up the face,’ ” ZAW 95 (1983): 253; S. Ahituv, “The Countenance of Yahweh” (Hebrew), in Tehillah Le-Moshe: Biblical and Judaic Studies in Honor of Moshe Greenberg, ed. M. Cogan, B. L. Eichler J. H. Tigay (Winona Lake: Eisenbrauns, 1997): 3–12.

[iii] Ashley, T. R. (1993). The Book of Numbers (p. 152-153). Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.