Confrontation and Reconciliation | Pastor Jacob Sheriff

Message Date: May 22, 2024
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Confrontation and Reconciliation

We’re going to look at how to confront someone who has hurt you, but the full purpose of confrontation is in order to pursue reconciliation. This is not focusing on the extremely traumatic, or the extremely petty. If you have suffered something very traumatic that you are working through the process of forgiveness and reconciliation, today is relevant for you, but there is much more that could be said that would be necessary in you confronting an event that carries trauma for you. I recommend talking with a pastor who can listen and help you on a more personal note. If you struggle letting go of extremely petty things people do to you, you’re probably not ready to confront someone else’s behavior. You need to work on your heart more.

In this message, we want to focus on how to deal with and confront the day-to-day things that happens in relationships that aren’t petty, but aren’t huge either in an honorable and healthy way. These are the things that can build up in our hearts and we need to learn how to confront unhealthy behavior in ourselves and others. We have to develop the courage to confront others’ in love, while seeking reconciliation, not just getting our own way.

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.” – Matthew 18:15-17 (MSG)

He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, But he who repeats or gossips about a matter separates intimate friends. – Proverbs 17:9 (AMP)

Rather than ignoring unhealthy behaviors or accepting disconnection in relationships, Courageously and Lovingly take a step toward confrontation.

How to Confront Unhealthy Behavior in a Healthy Way

[ Preparation — Confrontation — Reconciliation ]

 

[Preparation]

1. Value healthy relationships more than our feelings of comfort.

      • Matthew 5:21-26 — God prefers reconciliation over our worship

Questions to ask yourself:

    • Do I value the relationship?
    • Do I need to confront this behavior, or should I just get over it?
    • Will this person’s behavior likely be repeated?
    • Can I confront this behavior out of love? Or am I just angry?
    • Am I avoiding necessary confrontation because of my fear of being uncomfortable?

2. Confront your own heart before you confront someone’s behavior.

Consider this:

    • Challenge your own assumptions (about the person and the situation)
    • Will I be seeking reconciliation by confronting the person?
    • Or do I want to “stick it to them” or “tell them off” or “make my point”?
    • Wait for a time you are not angry (not necessarily “not emotional”).

If my motive for confronting someone is anything other than reconciliation and growth, then I should probably wait to confront the person.

3. Distinguish the difference between facts and feelings or stories.

The first to speak in court sounds right—until the cross-examination begins. – Proverbs 18:17 (NLT)

Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. – Proverbs 18:13 (NLT)

Example: husband — “you don’t respect me,” wife — “you don’t love me”

Treat the other person how you would want to be treated if you were the offender.

You want to be treated with mercy and respect. Confront them the way Christ would — mercifully and for the purpose of growth, taking their emotions, personality, and circumstances into consideration.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.” – Matthew 5:7 (ESV)

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1-2 (NLT)

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you, ’when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. … Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.” – Matthew 7:1-2, 3-5, 12 (MSG) 

 

[Confrontation]

1. Confront the person’s behaviors, not the person’s intention.

The truth is you do not know the person’s motives. Distinguish the person’s intention from their behavior (words or actions) and the impact it had on you.

We usually judge ourselves by our intentions, we often judge others by their impact on us.

Confront the behavior, but address the impact (on you) as well. (“You hurt me.” Vs. “What you said/did hurt me.”) Do not confront an issue with a spirit of accusation. Satan is the accuser of the brethren.

What is the “observable behavior?” As if that situation was recorded on camera.

Be prepared for them to be defensive or blame-shift. Use your words very wisely. Do not react and stay focused on the issue.

Be prepared to repent for your part of the problem.

2. Speak the truth in love, don’t just love telling the truth.

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. – Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)

Am I seeking reconciliation? Or do I want to “stick it to them” or “tell them off” or “make my point”?

Fools ’words get them into constant quarrels; they are asking for a beating. – Proverbs 18:6 (NLT)

Remember that your words have tremendous power.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: And they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. – Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. – Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted. Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:29-32 (MSG)

3. Listen to understand, not to respond.

A fool does not find joy in understanding but only in expressing his own opinion. – Proverbs 18:2 (God’s Word)

Don’t let their initial reaction cause you to react as well. Their initial reaction is rarely their final response. Your response to their reaction often will dictate the outcome of the confrontation. You do not have the full story, be prepared to listen for the whole story.

Whoever gives an answer before he listens is stupid and shameful. – Proverbs 18:13 (God’s Word)

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. – James 1:19 (NLT)

[Reconciliation]

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. – Galatians 6:1-3 (MSG)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)

Keep doing your part in maintaining healthy relationships, forgiving and reconciling.

My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins. – James 5:19-20 (NLT)

Learning to have the courage to confront unhealthy behaviors could very well save others from making the same mistakes and sins over and over, bringing death more and more into their life.

Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence. God has done all this. He has restored our relationship with him through Christ, and has given us this ministry of restoring relationships. In other words, God was using Christ to restore his relationship with humanity. He didn’t hold people’s faults against them, and he has given us this message of restored relationships to tell others. Therefore, we are Christ’s representatives, and through us God is calling you. We beg you on behalf of Christ to become reunited with God. God had Christ, who was sinless, take our sin so that we might receive God’s approval through him. – 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 (God’s Word)